Helping Students Who Lie: Why They Do It & How You Can Respond
When students lie, it can be tricky to know what to do. If we don’t address a child’s lying, it can seem like we are enabling the behavior. Yet, when we confront it, they double down and deny that anything ever happened.
Thankfully, there are some strategies for helping students who lie that can encourage honesty, while still protecting the dignity of the child. Below, you’ll find ways to proactively talk about lying, tips for responding, and possible reasons why kids lie.
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Teaching Explicitly About Lying
Lying is something that nearly all kids do. However, if we want kids to speak the truth, we need to teach them about what that looks like and why it’s important.
Why Honesty Is Important
In order for kids to change their behavior, they must view honesty as more beneficial than lying. How we help kids with this will depend somewhat on the function of the lie (see below). However, one way to get kids to see the benefits of honesty is by explaining that they will have fewer (or less severe) consequences if they tell the truth about what happened.
It can also be helpful for kids to think empathetically about how their lying makes others feel. Generally, lies create feelings of frustration, distrust, and hurt. Help students do this by first asking them to reflect on times when someone wasn’t honest with them. How did they feel? How did they view that person? When kids can reflect on how they feel when someone lies, it can be easier for them to think about how their own lying affects others.
Picture Books About Lying
There are many great picture books out there that help kids better understand the negative impacts of lying. These books can be a great launching pad into conversation about this topic with students who lie frequently, or as a proactive lesson for all kids. Here are some of my favorites:
Pirates Are Coming by John Condon
Pig The Fibber by Aaron Blabey
A Little Spot Of Honesty by Diane Alber
Determining The Function Of The Lie
When people lie, there is usually a reason behind it. Figuring out the function of the child’s lie - what they are trying to achieve by lying - can be a great place to start when working to decrease lying.
There are a few strategies that can help you figure out the function of the lying. First, you can try talking to the child and asking them to share insight. This may be especially helpful when working with older students who may be more aware of their motives. Another strategy is to think about what is happening in the child’s life before and after the lie. For example, if the child usually breaks a school rule before they lie, it may be likely that they are lying to avoid consequences.
Once you understand why they are lying, it’s easier to figure out how that need can be met in a more positive way.
Possible Function #1: Avoiding Consequences
Sometimes, kids face negative consequences for choices or behaviors they’ve made. In these situations, it can be tempting for kids to deny what they’ve done in hopes of not having to experience the consequences.
Avoiding consequences may be the function of the lie if:
The child denies that they did something that usually results in a negative consequence. For example, they may say that they didn’t break something, when they actually did.
The child says they did something that was asked of them, even if they didn’t. For example, they may say that they cleaned their room when they actually didn’t.
If this is the case, try providing a lighter consequence for honesty. Explain to kids that if they are caught lying, they will have two consequences instead of one - one for lying and one for the initial behavior.
Possible Function #2: Gaining Positive Attention Or Approval
Lying, or making up stories, can be a helpful way to gain approval, especially from peers. If kids sense that they don’t quite measure up, they may tell a lie or exaggerate the truth to help themselves be seen in a more positive light. Tall tales can also be a way to get attention or interest from others who may be intrigued by the the story.
Gaining positive attention or approval may be the function of the lie if:
They say something happened that couldn’t actually have happened. For example, saying they saw an elephant on the way to school.
They are telling an exaggerated or false story to someone who believes the story and is expressing positive interest. For example, telling a peer that they can eat 3 whole pizzas and the peer seems to believe, and be in awe of this feat.
They are sharing that something happened that is socially desirable or admirable, even if it didn’t. For example, that they scored the winning soccer goal, or got a new, expensive game.
When you hear these types of lies, it can be helpful to ask students if it’s something that was really true, or something they wish was true. You can also provide a space during the day when students can share imaginary stories with each other. You can also give the student a time and place where they can share their fun stories with you or other students!
If this behavior is repeated, it may be helpful to not give attention to the embellishment, and to support the child with developing other ways to gain approval or attention from others. Some ways to do this are by encouraging kindness, conversation skills, empathy, and other social skills.
How Adults Can Respond To Students Who Lie
It can be frustrating when kids lie. It can be easy to blame them and get upset about their behavior, especially if it’s repeated. While kids are ultimately the ones responsible for their behavior, there are things that we can do as adults to encourage honesty.
Don’t set kids up to lie. When we know that a child broke a rule or did something inappropriate, it’s tempting to ask them whether or not they did it. It may seem like we are giving them an opportunity to tell the truth. While this is true, we’re also giving them an opportunity to lie. Instead, state what you know as a fact - not as a question, and then invite them to fill in the gaps of what you don’t know about the situation. For example: “I saw you hit Tommy. Can you tell me more about what happened?”
Don’t refer to the child as a liar. Even if a child frequently lies, it’s important that they aren’t defined by this behavior. Calling a child a liar, even in a joking way, is not only damaging to a child’s self-esteem, but may also cause them to lean into this identity, resulting in more lying.
Do praise kids for honesty. It’s hard to tell the truth, especially if it will result in negative consequences. When a child is truthful, try to reward this behavior with verbal praise or even a lighter consequence. This helps the child learn that it’s worthwhile to be honest.
Do focus on relationship building. Focusing on helping kids feel loved, safe, and cared for is a great strategy for increasing positive behavior. When kids feel safe and secure, it's easier for them to tell the truth. Spending extra time with them, engaging in their interests, and listening well are some easy ways to strengthen your relationship.
It can be hard to know how to help students who lie. However, I hope that these tips and strategies will make it easier for you to understand why kids lie, and how you can respond to it. For more tips on supporting student behavior, grab my free behavior cheat sheets by signing up below. They are perfect to keep on hand, or even to give to families and other school staff!
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