How To Use The Circle Of Control To Help Kids Process Strong Emotions
So many things cause our students, and ourselves, to experience strong emotions. Whether it’s losing a game, getting into an argument with a friend, or the disappointment of a restaurant no longer selling your favorite meal (I’m looking at you, Taco Bell…), having intense feelings is part of the human experience.
While we can’t prevent our students from feeling these emotions, we CAN give them tools to process and cope with what they’re experiencing.
One of my favorite tools to use for this is the circle of control. It’s a great way to encourage students to focus on what they can control instead of dwelling on the things that they can’t.
No matter the situation, focusing on the things that are in your control is a powerful way to take action. Keep reading to learn more about what the circle of control is, why I love it, and how you can use it to help your own students process their strong emotions!
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What is The Circle Of Control?
The circle of control is a concept introduced by author Steven Covey in his book 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. His model is expanded to also include a circle of influence and circle of concern. However, for simplicity’s sake, I only talk about the circle of control with students.
The idea is that there are certain things that are within our control and certain things that are not in our control. For example, whether or not Taco Bell is currently serving french fries is, unfortunately, out of my control. However, whether or not I go to Taco Bell for lunch IS in my control.
Referring to this as a circle of control gives students the ability to better visualize and understand this way of thinking.
Why does it help?
Using the circle of control is helpful for kids because it allows them to take action on the things they can control, while encouraging them to let go of the things outside of their control.
Using this strategy of thinking can be a helpful self-regulation tool for any strong emotions that kids might be facing. Whether students struggle to process anger, anxiety, disappointment, etc. focusing on what they can control can help them to feel less overwhelmed.
For example, a student might be worried because a family member is in the hospital. This is a completely normal worry! BUT, of course we can’t control other people’s health. So, worrying about it isn’t actually helpful.
Instead, we can encourage the student to think about what they can control in that situation - such as how they express their worry/sadness, how they treat the person who is sick, and doing things like praying/journaling, or making cards or pictures for the family member.
One of my favorite quotes says, “Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair - it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.” It’s so true! BUT, acknowledging what’s in our control and what’s out of our control can get us off the proverbial rocking chair and prompt us to take action.
Circle Of Control Activity #1: Give Students Examples
For many kids, the idea of focusing only on what they can control might be new. Like any new skill, kids need to be familiar and comfortable with it before they’re able to use it in real life.
One way to help students become better at recognizing the difference between what’s in their control and what’s out of their control is to give them examples.
To start, give your students these examples and ask them to share whether they think the situations are in their control or out of their control.
The weather
Whether or not they complete their homework
The questions on a test
How they respond when someone is unkind
The health of their friends and family
Getting students to practice thinking about situations in this way will give them the tools they need to positively cope with difficult events that come up in their own lives.
Love the idea but not the prep time? Check out this Circle Of Control Google Slides Game to give students plenty of practice deciding whether or not something is within their circle of control.
Circle Of Control Activity #2: Have Kids Come Up With Their Own Examples
Asking students to decide whether or not certain situations are in their control is a great place to start when talking about the circle of control. Once you feel like students understand the concept, you can ask them to come up with their own examples of things that are in their control or out of their control.
One activity that helps kids with this is by using the beloved game UNO.
Each time a player lays down a red card, they have to share one thing that is NOT in their control. Each time a player lays down a green card, they have to share one thing that IS in their control. If that feels like too much for your students, you can have them respond to just the red/green number cards, and not the skip, reverse, etc.
Circle Of Control Activity #3: Help Students Apply The Strategy In Real Life
Get the free worksheet here!
Worry can often feel very strong and overwhelming. Even if students are well versed in the concept of focusing on what they can control, they might need some help using this coping strategy in real time.
When working with a student who is feeling anxious or upset, prompt them to think about all of the things they can and can’t control about that situation.
You can do this verbally, or you can use a visual aid, like this free worksheet. Depending on the emotional state of the student, they can do this independently at first and then discuss with you later. This can help you see how they’re processing the situation. Of course, you can also begin by doing the activity together with the student.
Once the student has identified what’s in his or her circle of control, create a plan going forward. What can they do about the things they can control? What can they do to let go of the things they can’t control?
One of my favorite things about using the circle of control to help kids with self-regulation is that it’s so versatile. There are so many ways you can talk about it with your students, and it can be applied to almost any situation they are in, or any feeling they are experiencing. Whether they’re worried about an upcoming test, or annoyed because Taco Bell took their favorite item off the menu, using the circle of control can be an empowering way to manage those strong emotions!
